At the time of posting, we’re 453 days away from when we actually vote for the President of the United States. We’re not just a year away, we’re still one and a quarter years away from trying to make a state government-installed touchscreen work. To put that quarter of a year in perspective, that’s like wearing your Halloween costume to work back in July.

So, it seems kind of silly that, even though there’s only been one “debate” and not one single primary vote cast, the press is already declaring leads. They’re basing this on polls, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been polled in my entire life. In fact, I know more people from the state of Wyoming than I know who have been asked to respond to a poll, and I’m pretty sure Wyoming isn’t real. (It’s just the lab where they built Dick Cheney.)

But, alas, we have leads in both primaries already, and wow, are we all deluding ourselves politically. In any past election, the current front-runners wouldn’t even be running as Democrat or Republican, much less leading either pack.

Don’t believe me? Read on to find out why, when it comes to this primary, the political id has triumphed in both parties, and why that’s probably bad. 

Let’s get the easy one out of the way first.

Donald Trump

Normally, Donald Trump would be the Ross Perot: a billionaire who, thanks to a lifetime of toadies and yes men, believes that screwing over people and selling garbage qualifies you to run the country. And he’d be running as an independent.

And let me assure you that Trump is the name stamped on the world’s classiest, highest quality, primo garbage: reality television, casinos, terrible books. He even runs the sleazier of national-level beauty pageants out of Atlantic City, the sleaziest city that he’s ever declared bankruptcy in. And now he has the hottest garbage ever to sell America: himself.

So how is he doing it? By being a dick in a party that celebrates being dicks to people or, as Republicans like to whine, not being politically correct. If Donald Trump has a problem with a woman, he’ll call her a disgusting pig, a loser who bleeds from “wherever.” If he has a problem with illegal immigrants, he’ll call them all murderers and rapists.

By tapping into the Republican id, which means denouncing everything while pining for the way things never were, Trump doesn’t need ideas. Just as every attempt to repeal Obamacare and replace it with nothing has been popular with the Republican base, The Donald can get away with just promising that, by simply being in office, America will just somehow become great again. Problem with terrorists? President Trump will deal with it. Need a border fence? Not only will Trump get it built, he’ll somehow make the Mexican government pay for it.

Make no mistake: Donald Trump is leading over each candidate right now because of the magical wish-fulfillment that only exists in the wildest dreams of the Republican id. If only they could lash out hard enough at every dirty damn liberal, why, everything will just be better again, dammit!

Unless the Republican superego regains control and looks to someone who can win the general election, they will lose. Unless, of course, he’s running against …

Bernie Sanders

Look, I like Senator Sanders. But that’s the point: of course I do, because he works my liberal id like a maple syrup-coated Sybian. Free college education? Mm. Universal health care? Yes. An end to government surveillance and no wars unless directly threatened? Oh god. Cleaner energy? Ungh! Ungh! Tighter bank controls? YES! YES! F*CK! YES!

… Excuse me. I’ll be right back after I make Bernie a sandwich.

But, we’re forgetting something. Democrats have spent the last eight years arguing that Republicans call everything they disagree with socialism and that we aren’t socialists. So, now we’re going to nominate an actual, self-described socialist?

In a 50/50 tie, there is no independent, right-of-center (or your common American) who’s going to switch levers for the guy who calls himself as a democratic socialist. If we continue to allow our id to run wild, there’s a solid chance that the Trump-Palin ticket will carry the day.

Not only that, but, let’s say Sanders wins and introduces all this great legislation to Congress. How many votes will he get for ordering banks to make less money when we can’t even fill cabinet positions or fund the government?

Republicans and Democrats have a lot of time left to regain control of their senses. Obviously, the majority of people who run in primaries are a joke, but voting for the guy that will get the other side’s hackles up the most — whether he’s an arrogant prick that thinks talking tough is the same as leadership or a pie-in-the-sky dreamer who can’t get a bill passed — won’t solve any of our country’s problems.